Mind Metronome, Heart Palindrome

"Nothing in the universe can travel at the speed of light, they say, forgetful of the shadow's speed" ~ Howard Nemerov

I took piano lessons for 7 years, and got a metronome in the 4th. I remember it cost my parents RM150 in 1994 (query: how much does a metronome cost now?). Pricey for a tempo control device; but useful? HHmmm... subjective. While it kept me in check, I remember how edgy I felt whenever I used it for allegro agitato pieces. Over time I learnt to block out the grating edge and my hands would just sort of move with the rhythmic tick-tock'ing in the background.  Sometimes I'd even play blindly, by heart, in perfect time. Other times I'd go on and on and on, till I hit a false note. And then the metronome's beat would scream back into focus, overwhelming everything else - and I'd have trouble recovering from the stumble, lost in a page of squiggly black notes. I liken the feeling to being on autopilot, moving with uncontrolled speed, all the time barely missing passing obstacles, fearing a crash yet loving the satisfaction of reaching the finish line unscathed when I successfully did.

It's been a long time since I've really played the piano.. Sure I fiddle with Fur Elise and Evanescence pieces once in a blue moon; but I can't remember the last time I set up the metronome and crazily hammered out Turkish March. 

While my music skills have waned, I do still, however, sometimes feel like there's a metronome keeping time in the background. It's an odd sensation - you can be going about doing whatever it is you're doing, oblivious to the world and stupidly happy when  a nagging sense of urgency suddenly creeps on you, edging you on to dodge bullets, to go faster, to do better, to beat time. It makes you uncomfortable - probably because you can't find any obvious reasons that make it wrong -  and its also addictive. To see if you can. To prove that you can. Fearing the repercussions if you don't or can't, but at the same time not really caring what happens as long as you try. No obvious reasons I said. Obvious reasons. Obvious being the keyword. Because it sometimes is wrong.

"Be wise with speed, a fool at forty is a fool indeed"  ~Edward Young

Maybe we're reading it wrong (or maybe I am), but could it be possible that time doesn't want us to speed up, but to slow down? Perhaps this strange sense of urgency is God's way of telling us to savour the moment (of aforesaid unexplainable stupid happiness) before something really time-pressing (like a 1200 word article due out tomorrow!) cuts our stupid  little happy moment with a well sharpened time-killing knife in half?

An epiphany if you will. I came to realise that nobody can slow down my metronome but me, which is how I came to pace myself. To not curse at a traffic jam, but to enjoy the setting sun while I wait for the light to change (I have pictures; will upload them someday heh). To swallow impatience at a bank queue and to check out their latest ad campaigns (got some good ideas for work there). To feed the angry hissing stray cat that lurks in my back yard (he left me a dead rat once; sweet!!). To enjoy my 7 and 9 year-old nieces arguments instead of trying to get them to stop fighting (as long as they don't hit each other, they can be damn funny!). 

 "A circle is the reflection of eternity. It has no beginning and it has no end - and if you put several circles over each other, then you get a spiral."~ Maynard James Keenan

Running is inevitable (if you want to keep your job that is) but try not to run too fast. Life is a circle. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes  for not the reason we think. Two halves can be perfectly symmetrical, mirror images; but see ~ they don't face the same way. If they did, they wouldn't fit. 

Unless of course, they're squares.  Which is why maybe it's time to bend the circle to a fitting shape. Another epiphany. Maybe if I stand still the answers will come. Maybe it's time to stop racing. No I'm not 40. And I'm not  going to sit still for long. I'm just resting before the next race.  But this time I'm bringing a camera ; catch me if you can.